Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
