I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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