i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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