Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
