you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
