I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
