I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
