On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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