That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize