when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
