So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
