Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
