Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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