this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
