Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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