I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
and you said cock pushups were impossible
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
