Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Damn victory sex feels great
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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