It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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