I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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