I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
