Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
