Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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