I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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