I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
