He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
