Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize