so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize