I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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