Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize