he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize