The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
