woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
