Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
