My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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