It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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