And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
