Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
All I want is dick and wine.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
