Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
