I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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