Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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