I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i think im in europe. pls send help
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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