Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
