she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
