the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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