I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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