I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize