omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
