You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
4 words: hood of his car
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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