I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
