We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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