Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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