ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
