The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
