Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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