I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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