I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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