Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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