He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
