Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
