Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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