allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize