her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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