eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
