she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
