Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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